On the brink of dispair, exsistential questions whirred , “What’s the point? What does it all mean? Would anyone even notice if I stopped singing, writing or performing. Does any of it matter anyway? You’re a single Mother. You should just stop all this. Be responsible, predictable, a grown up.”
Then the stubborn, steadfast, thankfully gentle voice deep behind my heart whispered firmly “Not today.” It was a whisper but it was enough to drown out the one browbeating my mind. “Not today. Just don’t quit today. Do everything thing you can think of so you wont regret it if you do. You can at least quit knowing you tried everything. Tried everything everytime. Then go to bed. Count your blessings. Decide tomorrow.”
I could possibly live with that.
At this point I usually go for a walk on the beach. Tonight I went at sunset. The rhythm of the waves began to ground me and the wind blew away enough worry so that I felt like I could finally inhale and exhale completely. I even lost myself long enough to get cought up in the battling seagulls squawking while competing for clams. “We all have problems.” I thought outloud. Sometimes the dolphins jump and I feel so lucky to see them play. They have the most delightful smiles and mischief in their eyes. Often on my walks I pick up sand dollars. If there is any sign of life I put them back in the water. I think they might appreciate this even if they can’t say so. If there are no signs of life (including the little barnacles that attach themselves in hopes of a long symbiotic life) I take them home. A little token to remember my walks by. There were no sand dollars tonight. Still, I couldn’t help but scan the sand for them.
The walk started to work. Gratitude began to well up inside me. For all the good and not so good decisions I have made, life brought me here. Here by the ocean that’s constant but never the same. The ever evolving combination of tide, weather patterns and mysterious life swirling beneath it are never repeated
I felt lucky to be there. The only person in history to see exactly what I saw in this exact way at that moment.
Just then, a woman I had never seen before, called out to me. “Excuse me. Excuse me.” She repeated herself as I didn’t imagine she would be talking to me. I turned around to meet her smile. “Do you live here? Are you local?” “Yes” I replied. Immediately I ran a map of the area in my head prepared to help her find whatever she was looking for.
“Here.” she said handing me a sand dollar. It was a small sweet little thing. “I found it and felt like giving it away.”
I thanked her and gave her a quick explanation that I collect them.
I don’t know if this was a sign from the universe or anything else but it gave me hope. A kind stranger, a beautiful sunset and me with a tiny sand dollar in my pocket.
Things could be worse.